Some Stuff.

Ive been over here in Europe now since Feb 14th. There are good days and bad days. This is normal. Im guessing all of us tend to ride the rails. I have no qualms about facing a bad mood or down day. I think I would be bored out of my skull if my sanity wasnt tested from time to time.
In this expedition..... which has no definitive finish..... I am learning my true priorities. 
What are things I want for myself? What are the goals I have for my life? Are they reachable? How have they been diluted in the first place? What habits have I practiced that dont help me attain these desires?
  I have a list.
By the time I am 45 i would like to speak German and French or Italian (or all three) with ease.
I would love a double high C. Not for flash mind you, only so my needed upper register is super strong.... and the last note in Carnival of Venice is an F.
I would like to play Guardian Angel at a strong clip and be able to fly over both the rhythm changes and gypsy jazz backings with natural physical ability and not struggle mentally through the tougher charts.
I would like to finish my sommelier  certification.
I would like to re enter my Kung Fu studies and keep my mind and body solid and poised.
Perhaps a play or two once in a while.
I would like to love and be loved.

I think all of these things are possible. And whats funny is after years of busting my ass to make a very limited amount of money in a very expensive city I have come to this conclusion.
I dont need it!!!
I have no debt. (aside from some Con Ed residuals)
I am not in for a home. Not in for a car. Not in for higher education. Not in for credit cards. No business loans or personal loans on my back. I have the freedom to practice and mature in music theatre wine food and body.

There is only one thing I must give up. (at least it looks that way)

A family.
There is an old saying. "No money no honey."
Now as much as I would like to believe I will find a woman who is down to grassroots it and travel, learning about the world its languages and people I think Id be delusional.
And ladies dont get your panties in a bunch because it isnt your fault.

In order to raise a family we must be plugged into the system. We need a living space and transportation and school clothes and food and social groups and music lessons and sporting equipment-
We need all of our time doing the "one two three", which is my moms way of describing her main thought process during the raising of her children. Everywhere she went she was counting her kids..... all the time. Every day.
We need to find a way to be with our children at that very early age when their parents are so much more vital then they ever will be again.
How many kids will we have? Two? Three?
How much food is that? How many bedrooms in the house?
Are you going to stay at home when they are babies like they need and want you to?
Will we live near one of our families? Which one?
Breakfast lunch dinner day and night CHILDREN!
Now here is the thing...... if all that was required to love our kids and give them peace and love was the above then Im ready.... lets start right fucking now... (or fucking right now would be more appropriate)

But here is the catch.......  it isnt. It all costs money. It is all getting more expensive. And money is debt.
We both have to work. We have to give them whatever they need to be able to someday compete in an even more expensive back breaking economy than the one we raised them in. Which means  better schools better clothes better car better house better better better. Cause you got to fake it till you make it. Gotta stay competitive. Gotta show you belong.......

Im sorry. I dont belong. I dont belong to the get aheads. I dont belong to the leave behinds. I dont belong to the win at all costs.
I dont belong to the banks the institutions the insurance companies.

I cant possibly raise my children to experience my list of goals and dreams above because I cant even do them myself.........

And its all our fault!!!!!

The powers that  be have manipulated us with our own biological drives. To have children and family...... and created a world where the rich and powerful get even stronger because our tendency as humans is to do whats best for our kids. To do whats right for our family. To provide. And you will pay...... because there is no other way.

Fuck Debt!!!

Spring!

 Had a bit of a stroll today on the riverside path. The Main runs all over the place... turns out if I wanted I could get in a canoe and go all the way to Switzerland. These are some of the vineyards overlooking the river.

 Look close...... know what this is?? Yep thats a sand trap and fairway.  It is a full on course not minutes from my home. There is a little ferry that will run me over the river. All I need now is to find out how to circumvent the membership. Maybe I can work a few hours a week over there.

This is the view from directly across the Golf course.

Im thinking of hitting Paris next week, By train its about as expensive as a round trip from NYC to Albany on Greyhound. 30 a night in a hostel.... a few days in Paris..... why????

Cause I Can!!!!!

I Will Drink Your Cup Of Poison!

  Christmas is wonderful. It is full of love and family and subtle magic and giving. Christmas is secondary. The birth of a human always is..... at least compared to the life they live. It is in a persons death we get to truly understand their impact. When one leaves us we taste their absence and wish for a return of some sorts...... sometimes never letting go of the affect they had on our lives.

 I can tell you straight out i dont need a calendar to prompt me to invoke the memory of my lost family. I dont need a push to revisit a best friends voice or young brothers laugh. I will admit however I often forget about my communication with myself.......

  Folks. The rising is not about some paranormal magic meant to instantly change our speed of spiritual evolvement. It is simply a lesson. A riddle if you will. A sentence in the infinite book. A doorway to love.

 Death and rebirth. Death and rebirth. Death and rebirth. Is that not what we live daily? Do we not promise every morning to never lie again? Never give ourselves over to needless wants? Never forget the face of our fathers? Our Father? .............

  My Mother is the gospel in my life. The soprano of reason. The color in the tone amidst the rhythm of my being.

  My Father is the ritual. The incense and robes. The deep bass of the organ and percussive responsibility to self. 

 It is Maundy Thursday and Black Friday and The resurrection that reach into me and ask me what it is I mean to do with the gifts I have been given by my parents. God. Mother. Father.

 The Easter story is in fact about WAKING UP!!!!! Healing our wounds and rising above dark clouds and the wailing of our childhoods and adolescence. Finding our spirit family and moving forward toward light. Keeping what we know to be true close and protecting ourselves from our own dark places.

  We do it to ourselves. Every day. All the time. I know I do.

   Dont trip fools........ It is the rising that kills the black-------- not the birth!

   He Is Risen!!!!!

Eventful Days!

 Today it all started. One of those days when you feel at home in a new place. I woke up (an hour later than I wanted but who is counting) and worked on my German for an hour. I then picked up the horn and jammed with a youtube vid of Wynton and his friends playing dixie. At 1:00 I walked up to see my uncle and check out his newest project. Its a toughie but I love it. A stone block in the center with steel poles sticking out in a way that once welded will become a ball.... a ball that enclosed within is a square... pretty killer.

I was then picked up by a local vintner and we headed to his land. There are 100 rows of vines that needed to be tied. This job requires fastening each vine to the wires they are supported by. We used something akin to a garbage bag tie but it is organic so there is no pollution.

 We did 50 rows. I must say standing in the spring sun and being left alone to farm and think is amazing. I was more relaxed than I have been in many years..... singing to myself and walking through the vineyard. I would occasionally slip up into some negativity but overcame it without stressing too hard.I cant wait till flowering and fruit set. Its gonna be gorgeous.

This specific vineyard is directly over the hill from my ancestors town. It is really something to be farming and learning the language.... playing music, drinking good wine and eating great food only a few kilometers from the place my great grandparents lived before going to the U.S. I am working hard at music and language and now a hard days work in a vineyard. This wine will taste great i am sure if only because I will be involved in making it.