Some Stuff.

Ive been over here in Europe now since Feb 14th. There are good days and bad days. This is normal. Im guessing all of us tend to ride the rails. I have no qualms about facing a bad mood or down day. I think I would be bored out of my skull if my sanity wasnt tested from time to time.
In this expedition..... which has no definitive finish..... I am learning my true priorities. 
What are things I want for myself? What are the goals I have for my life? Are they reachable? How have they been diluted in the first place? What habits have I practiced that dont help me attain these desires?
  I have a list.
By the time I am 45 i would like to speak German and French or Italian (or all three) with ease.
I would love a double high C. Not for flash mind you, only so my needed upper register is super strong.... and the last note in Carnival of Venice is an F.
I would like to play Guardian Angel at a strong clip and be able to fly over both the rhythm changes and gypsy jazz backings with natural physical ability and not struggle mentally through the tougher charts.
I would like to finish my sommelier  certification.
I would like to re enter my Kung Fu studies and keep my mind and body solid and poised.
Perhaps a play or two once in a while.
I would like to love and be loved.

I think all of these things are possible. And whats funny is after years of busting my ass to make a very limited amount of money in a very expensive city I have come to this conclusion.
I dont need it!!!
I have no debt. (aside from some Con Ed residuals)
I am not in for a home. Not in for a car. Not in for higher education. Not in for credit cards. No business loans or personal loans on my back. I have the freedom to practice and mature in music theatre wine food and body.

There is only one thing I must give up. (at least it looks that way)

A family.
There is an old saying. "No money no honey."
Now as much as I would like to believe I will find a woman who is down to grassroots it and travel, learning about the world its languages and people I think Id be delusional.
And ladies dont get your panties in a bunch because it isnt your fault.

In order to raise a family we must be plugged into the system. We need a living space and transportation and school clothes and food and social groups and music lessons and sporting equipment-
We need all of our time doing the "one two three", which is my moms way of describing her main thought process during the raising of her children. Everywhere she went she was counting her kids..... all the time. Every day.
We need to find a way to be with our children at that very early age when their parents are so much more vital then they ever will be again.
How many kids will we have? Two? Three?
How much food is that? How many bedrooms in the house?
Are you going to stay at home when they are babies like they need and want you to?
Will we live near one of our families? Which one?
Breakfast lunch dinner day and night CHILDREN!
Now here is the thing...... if all that was required to love our kids and give them peace and love was the above then Im ready.... lets start right fucking now... (or fucking right now would be more appropriate)

But here is the catch.......  it isnt. It all costs money. It is all getting more expensive. And money is debt.
We both have to work. We have to give them whatever they need to be able to someday compete in an even more expensive back breaking economy than the one we raised them in. Which means  better schools better clothes better car better house better better better. Cause you got to fake it till you make it. Gotta stay competitive. Gotta show you belong.......

Im sorry. I dont belong. I dont belong to the get aheads. I dont belong to the leave behinds. I dont belong to the win at all costs.
I dont belong to the banks the institutions the insurance companies.

I cant possibly raise my children to experience my list of goals and dreams above because I cant even do them myself.........

And its all our fault!!!!!

The powers that  be have manipulated us with our own biological drives. To have children and family...... and created a world where the rich and powerful get even stronger because our tendency as humans is to do whats best for our kids. To do whats right for our family. To provide. And you will pay...... because there is no other way.

Fuck Debt!!!